Come Forth
by Monkeybandit2
Summary: (SI Fic. You've been warned.) Random fanfiction writers are just not safe from anything. Irate reviewers, the occasional ROB, asshole trans dimensional slavers, Straw Hat Pirate adventures, Straw Hat c rewmates' antics, bills (MUTHA-ING BILLS!). Take your pick, one of them is bound to do [this one] in. Eventually at least.
1. No tutorial

**I don't own One Piece. I really wish I did though.**

 **... Also, for the record, I really did try to resist this ever since reading** ** _This Bites!_** **by** ** _Xomniac_** **and his fellow** **members of the Cross-Brain.** **But being practically the gold standard of Self Insertion and my most favorite thus far, plus in combination of me being me, I ended up toying with the idea of a Self Insert regardless of my aversion towards SI fics (typically for quality (or rather lack thereof) reasons.** **I have the same issue with First Person fics as well).** **Ironic, I know.** **At any rate though...** **what self restraint I had however came in something of a combination of two things:** ** _NeonZangestu's_** **story** ** _Wordplay_** **, another SI fic, and**

"THA FUCK!"

That was all I could scream out as a pair of hands bigger than my body snatched both me and my chair from behind and yanked me away from the keyboard I was just typing with. Before I knew it the den I practically lived in was gone as the wind rustled through my hair as the open air I suddenly found myself in rapidly and inconsistently switched from midday to evening, to night, replaced with dungeon walls, sucked out by THE VOID OF SPACE, again replaced with the evening sky, then something-something-something—

IT'S ALL BLURRING! I CAN'T MAKE SENSE OF THIS! IT'S CHANGING TOO FAST!

Then as suddenly as it all began it ended as whatever had grabbed me utterly SLAMMED against the wall with such force my head whipped forth and back, both times smashing my head against the hands that bound me and the back of my chair respectively. As I sputtered and wildly eyed my new surroundings, a room barely lit by natural light emanating from somewhere behind me, my attention was soon drawn to two men beneath my precarious perch. The both of them were dressed much like old fashion business men or mobsters you might see in older period movies: office shirt, the slacks and the suspenders to hold them up with. I barely eyed the taller, bulkier and balder of the two in favor of the shorter one with indigo hair _jutting out in two directions like a fork in a roadway_. They were both eyeing a textbook held aloft by the shorter one barring the occasional and frankly disturbingly calm glances sent in my direction as I tried to make sense of what happened to me.

"Huh...?"

"Not him," Indigo briskly announced with a tired sigh as he snapped the book shut.

"Think we might still get something off him though?"

"Don't see why not. Would you...?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Whahey-HEY! What's happening!?"

I was ignored however in favor of the bigger guy lumbering toward the base of whatever was holding me. "I think cell twenty-seven might be still empty." From my angle I was only able to discern he was about to stomp on something when he exaggerated the wind up by tossing his arms up as he tilted his body back.

When he slammed his foot on whatever mechanism he had his sights on there was a loud mechanical _"thump!"_ resounding from the hands that bound me. A second later those same hands jutted forth with me still in their grasp as another mechanical groan erupted from the telltale machine I was imprisoned by.

"JUST TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!"

For all my panicking however I was still ignored as what they had done was finally made clear. With a simple throw the machine with human-esque hands launched me, chair and all, in an arc across the room, past one of the iron barred skylights without windows, before plummeting to the floor...

XVX

Outside

With the twilight's sun blanketing the other side of the cargo ship anyone would be hard pressed to find a small sail boat in the shadow of said ship, at first glance at least. The same could be said of anyone sneaking aboard amidst the dying light. Or rather they would be until they were forced to hurdle onto the deck at least where a crew was at least. Even so fortune favor the infiltrator as she hopped the railing after sneaking a swift yet careful peak of the otherwise empty deck.

Not wanting to test her luck any further than she already had the unwanted guest made her way to the nearest doorway most likely leading to the hold where the valuables were kept and pressed herself against the door. She then planted her ear to it to listen for any of the crewmen going about their business. As luck would have it she arrived just in time for a dull conversation to creep out of the wooden portal whilst in the company of what sounded to be footsteps upon stairs. She backed up a step and looked to the where the hinges would be in the off chance that it was an outward swinging door which she could hide behind, otherwise she would have to dive for the nearest object which she could hide herself behind. In this case fortune once more smiled upon her though she couldn't help but be curious in this set of circumstances. There, to the sides of the door were hooks for a rack. Next to one such hook to the left was a board which was propped up against the wall. Next it however was what appeared to be a locker riveted into the wall. Sadly she couldn't tell in the slight as to what the container held within it. At the utter most she could guess at the red printed words of "In Case of Emergency" and a keyless lock holding the locker shut. But that was separate issue for the time being.

After her quick scrutinizing of her surroundings she ducked to the hinge bearing side of the door just in time for it to open, the door completely obscuring her from those who were walking out from it.

"—we really need to rethink a better security system. Those bug-things are _really_ creeping me out. Not to mention of course that it's damn near impossible to herd them back into their cage without killing them and those zombies they make when we _do_ let them out."

"I understand your point seeing as I have to help you over half the time. But unless you want to dip into our savings—"

"NEVER!"

"—then we'll have to accept that we have to keep capturing and selling in order to fund that worthless midget with the materials we can scrounge up for cheap," the other man continued unabated as they casually strolled through the door. The taller of the two paused long enough to reach out behind him without looking, grabbed the edge of the door and leisurely slammed the door shut without either of them being any the wiser of the intruder who was now exposed as they walked away. "Sadly it'll take that much longer if we keep up this trend of grabbing low quality goods."

"I'll never understand that Devil Fruit of yours," the taller man groaned rather pitifully as the orange haired infiltrator carefully crept to the other side of the door and let herself in. "At least we have some emergency provisions just in case though."

"Indeed."

XVX

In the hold

With a groan my eyes peeled open blurrily took in the scene of a ceiling made of crisscrossing bars above me. I blink and blink again and again until my blurry vision simply became fuzzy. Where are my glasses? I tried to lift my head to get a better idea of where I am as well as to try to find my glasses but a sharp jolt of pain put an end to that notion. I tried to move it to the side but that was met with the same wince inducing result. What the hell happened? Where am I?

As I wondered and regretfully began to recall the confusing moments before ending up... wherever I am my hands began to blindly feel around the hard wood floor with growing trepidation as what little hope that those terror inducing moments were but a dream. That by some coincidence I fell asleep in my chair and fallen onto the vinyl wooden floor of the den without waking up and that some concussion was playing with my sight in combination with the lack of my glasses despite the fact of how familiar I am with my ceiling after so many years. But no. What denial I had died silently screaming in my head as my hand groped my face in a validated search for my glasses which miraculously only slipped down my forehead. The left side of the left lens was cracked...

I vainly tried to focus on that which annoyed me most greatly in life, any damage at all to my glasses ( _seriously, who_ _wouldn't_ _be annoyed by that considering it's literally the first thing you see if you have glasses_ ), but sadly my panic was far greater than a half asses attempt not to have my heart leap out of my chest out of fear. Worse yet it got me to my feet, forcing me to hiss in pain as both my neck and various parts of my body howled in protest even as I surveyed what kind of hellhole I was literally thrown into. I didn't like what I saw in the least however.

From behind the crisscrossing rusted iron bars of my cage I spied numerous others surrounding my own. For better or worse most of them were empty save for a few. In fact I could readily count only two others close enough to discern without the need for glasses... okay that was false. I may have been able to fuzzily eye the short guy to my left...

Wait, was that a gnome? Holy crap that is! A Warcraft Gnome! Four fingered hand ( _including the thumb_ ), semi-bald head with a pointed crown of purple hair, matching colored goatee and all! I briefly entertained the thought I was still hallucinating. A mild attempt to turn my head quickly dissuaded me of that notion. Sadly the sharp pain didn't make the bars which I now touch any less cold nor solid. At any rate however it seemed he was lost in his own little ( _no pun intended_ ) world whilst twiddling with his thumbs as he somberly stared out from behind the bars of his own cell.

As for the other guy... I spent god knows how many hours playing Fallout Three to _not_ recognize the form of a super mutant. Big, tall, brownish-yellowish skinned, ugly, pot-and-grill armor and all... The sheer murderous glare he was sending my way did not accrue any good will on my part in ever hoping he was something like Fawkes. It also did not help that due to the distance between us he also gave off the vibe of a Jason Voorhees style serial killer either... making it a little sad that the fact that we were both in separate cells was a good thing as far as I was concerned at the moment. It didn't make him any less fucking creepy and terrifying however.

While doing my best to completely ignore my psycho... blockmate... I tried to see if there was anyone else here that was stuck in the same situation as us. There was. Unfortunately even with glasses my eyesight wasn't remotely good enough to discern other than vague shapes partially illuminated by the fading light between rows and rows of crisscrossing iron bars. At best the closest one seemed to be two rows over from my own row. Looking behind me however it seemed our row was next to the wall of this dungeon we're in. That begs the question though, where are we? For the life of me I couldn't find one thing to clue me in as to where we were. I mean most dungeons, prisons, etc were made of stone or concrete. Prison camp? Bit more like it but what sort of camp was in a room? Why would we even be here to begin with?

... well, at least I was distracted from entering hysterics at least.

Wait. Now that I'm thinking about it, didn't that guy say something about selling something?

My breath was quickening once more as my eyed my cage anew. It wasn't long before I was yanking on the unyielding iron.

Bull. BULL! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

"LET ME OUT!"

THIS CAN'T BE A SLAVE CAMP!

"AAAAAAAAGH!"

I DON'T WANT TO BE A SLAVE!

In the midst of my panicked struggles I wildly eyed a vaguely familiar person skittishly creeping through the cages on the other side of the row in front of me, moving as if unnerved by the mere sight of them and having second thoughts because of which. As I raggedly breathed I barely put much thought in the act of attempting to shunt my arm through the holes of my cage. I barely even registered that the gaps were too small for my hand to slip through, forcing my hand to repeatedly slap against the bars as I called out to her. "HEY! HEY HEY! PLEASE LET ME OUT!"

The figure stilled in fright thanks to my calling out to her.

"PLEEE-HEAASE!"

The woman, or what appeared to be a woman judging from what little I could see between the series of bars, hesitated before bolting to the side, forsaking what little sense of stealth she had left to her being. Most likely because of me _screaming out to her_ but that thought hadn't crossed my mind as I followed her as best I could with my eyes. It didn't matter though. She was barreling towards what looked to be an gap between the rows of cages and the wall as opposed to whipping around the nearest corner to my row...

All I could do was stumble back and fall onto my ass as I both gaped and began to hyperventilate as my newfound fate closed in around me like a grim specter...

"Damn it!"

Before I knew it that same familiar blur was running down the hallway of _my_ row! My neck be damned, I jumped to my feet and practically body slammed the closest thing that was a door to my cage just as the orange haired teen slid into a stop in front of it.

"You owe me for this!" she growled as she dug into a pocket of her shirt and whipped out what I could only assume to be a lock pick. I couldn't bring myself to care about whether it is or isn't however as I desperately gripped the bars in excitement.

"THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" I unabashedly squeeled. In fact I was so keyed up that I didn't waste either time nor thought once the door was opened. In fact I think I damn near _teleported_ out of the portal and spared not a second in squeezing her in what was probably the greatest bear hug I ever gave to date! "THANK YOU!"

"SSSSHHHH!" she angrily hissed as she slammed her hands into my mouth. "I get that you're happy but keep it down will you?! I'm just counting myself lucky that none of the guards heard any of the racket your making!"

"There are none."

"Huh?"

Though she asked the question, both of our heads snapped to the gnome as I let Nami go.

... wait. Nami? Why would I think of—

I gawked, pure and simple without her being any the wiser to my state. There, in front of me, was Nami. NAMI! PRE-SKIP NAMI FROM ONE PIECE! She's practically my favorite character aside from Luffy. Well, short of Robin at least. She was first though way back then!

... and with that thought I feel old.

As I stood stock still, thunderstruck, the gnome explained himself as if he hadn't noticed my condition either. In all honesty I considered it something of a miracle that I was even paying attention at all as a myriad of thoughts and possibilities ran like a hyper maelstrom in my head. I mean as... **_insane_** as it is to apparently be kidnapped by some dimension hoppers and put into some kind of slave camp with WoW characters and Fallout enemies, PLEASE TELL ME THEY DIDN'T CAPTURE ONE PIECE CHARACTERS TOO DAMN IT!

"Originally there _were_ guards to this ship. A crew as well. But that changed when they not only caught me the first time but subsequently caught me trying to escape. Seeing my inventive genius both during my abduction and in my escape attempt they put me to work... This entire ship is predominantly automated now thanks to my efforts, Miss. Other than Lawrence Greer and Grisham Belt you won't find anything more significant than one of the few automatons for defense that they had me build aside from Belt himself. That and their... 'pets.'" The gnome pointed toward the rest of the rows before his cage. Or rather he was attempting to point to the far off wall which none of us could properly see. "But short of an invasion or a mass jailbreak however you won't likely see them."

"That's good, I guess," Nami reluctantly offered with pursed lips before returning her attention to the cage. "But if you helped them like you said, why are you still here?"

The gnome's solemnly neutral expression dropped to a scowl. "Because they'd rather have me on a leash both if and when some of their new toys break. Not that I'm that surprised anymore considering what they did to their previous crew once the renovations were complete..."

My stomach churned as a hunch struck me. Against my will I turned to my own cage and eyed it. "Please don't tell me..."

"They did."

"... that's just sick," I gurgled.

"Oh my God," Nami whispered in horror as the implications struck her. Her clapped a hand around her mouth in horror as she backed away from the cages before her, her eyes shifting to and fro in anxiety as if she was seeing what I was only just imagining. When her back accidently bumped into the row of cages behind her she leap away from them, spinning around to face them as she did so. "I thought this was just some unmarked pirate ship after hearing the rumors." The gnome only hummed in response before speaking up once again.

"Since you're here though, would you be so kind as to release me?" he wearily asked, his expression now more dour than before. "As you can imagine... opportunities like these come once in a blue moon for me."

Nami bit her lip all the harder in thought before reluctantly nodding. "Fine!" She quickly scampered to the gnome's door, bent down and began to work her magic. "But for the record this is the last cell I'm opening. After this I'm going to bust open that safe and scram before I get caught and locked up with the two of you!"

"That's fine," the gnome replied. "I'm confident I can navigate this ship blindfolded if I must. I also know how to use my own inventions as a distraction if it comes to it. But may I ask you one thing, Miss?"

The door was unlocked and the door was swung open by the time the gnome called out to her. Even so she perked her head as the gnome ambled out of his cell. "Yeah?"

He didn't reply at first. Instead he simply motioned for her to follow. I followed as well for lack of a better option aside from trying to venture out on my own in unfamiliar territory. We didn't walk far, just to the end of our row and into the gasp beyond. From there he pointed to another space beyond the furthest set of cells to what looked like a rather simplistic meeting area to conduct business. "You weren't referring to the safe that was over there, were you?"

"Yeah, why?"

Try as I might without leaving the relative safety of the others, I couldn't see a safe. A dark patch in the wall perhaps that was behind a set of three chairs surrounding a table but that was it. Perhaps it was a wall mounted safe?

"That safe was specifically designed to act as bait and enable the capture of would be thieves such as yourself. Trust me when I say that there isn't anything of value in it."

"Augh! This is getting even worse by the second!" Nami whined as she stamped her foot on the decking.

""Now now, have patience," the gnome offered as he then began to jog back down the row we came from. "I simply said there wasn't anything in _there_!"

In a flash Nami was eagerly following him, albeit in a subdued fashion as she tried not to eye the rusted cages surroundings us. Likewise I followed suit more out of the desire to _not be alone in a creepy hellhole_ ( _AT BEST!_ ) rather than the dawning realization that we were potentially going to loot a pair of demented _asshole slavers'_ personal vault ( _oh how my inner Fallout looting self was squeeing at the thought. Even so I kind of wish I had a gang of giggling minions to do the job for me..._ _And now with that thought in my head I couldn't help but wish to be in a giant suit of armor to terrorize my enemies with (*Insert Obligatory Evil Cackle here*)_. Regardless though I couldn't help but find the entire trip awkward: I often have little reason to keep in mind that my stride often overtook people much shorter than myself whenever I'm particularly motivated to power walk as opposed to jogging. That goes triple for those with the height of a gnome.

In short order we near cautiously left the relative safety that was the blinding series of cages, barring the snarl of an agitated super mutant of course. Of the three of us the gnome was the only one who confidently, for the given value of which, strode out from the cell block and made for a walled off staircase that would've otherwise been invisible until I accidentally stumbled upon it if given a chance to; the wall that sided the staircase along with the more natural wall, by virtue of original construction, blended in disturbingly well with the primary wall behind it if no one could see the staircase proper. From there we simply ascended the stairs till we found the first landing roughly three-fourths of the way up. To the left was a short lived walkway connected by another wall. It wasn't hard to tell that this catwalk was overlooking the hold below, the same one we just left. Well, technically we were still in it but you get the idea... At any rate the gnome diverted himself from the rest of the and sauntered out onto the pathway where a console seemingly awaited him.

"What's this?" Nami asked as she and I curiously watched him pull a lever at the console's side. With a soft mechanical whir it shortened to better suit his own height.

"This, Miss, controls the majority of the room below. The cages specifically." We both peered out to see the room we were once in, technicalities notwithstanding with being on a catwalk overlooking it. From there we had a dismally better view of the cells below where we both noticed, or at least I noticed, something that was otherwise missed during my initial observations: high above the cages, attached to the ceiling, were large metal claw-like clamps. Each one was perfectly situated over each of the cages. Off to the side I was able to spy on exceptionally large hinges to what appeared to be a gigantic hatch in the ceiling, presumably to lead outside. Underneath this hatch was another of the claws. "Whether it's to showcase their 'stock' or to complete a sale, those bastards find it more preferable to use this operating system to bring the cells outside than to, say, drug the victim and haul them up top. And Light forbid that Lawrence use his portal powers for whatever reason other than kidnapping whatever fits his fancy..."

"Wait, Portal Powers?" Nami intoned with an incredulous glare just as the gnome began to operated the console with practiced if hesitant ease. With a loud " _CLUNK_ " that drew my attention to the claws once more I witnessed a smaller four pronged claw originating from the center of each clamp claw descend toward the cages. "You're kidding me, right?"

"Miss, I can certainly attest to the fact that none of us in this room besides yourself at this very moment are native to your lands." The claws hooked onto the tops of the cages and their chains grew taut. Seconds later, with some screeching of metal on metal, each and every one of the tops of the cages began to rise up from their respective places of rest. "In fact our mutual acquaintance here... 'arrived' barely two hours ago. Or an hour, give or take. It's hard to tell time down here," the gnome drearily sighed.

"Hey!" Between the bark and the subsequently poke into my side my attention snapped to Nami.

"AGH!"

Sadly I somehow forgotten why I wasn't bother turning my neck when I did so. As I was done sucking my teeth as the jolt of pain subsided I got the tail end of a sympathetic frown from the gnome and the ashamed look on Nami's face before she softly asked if I was okay.

"Y-yeah," I grunted as I rubbed my neck, my teeth clenched as I sucked in another breath.

Nami's brow furrowed and her lip pursed. She opened her lips to say something but seemed to think better of it before switching her attention back to the gnome. "So about that treasure...?"

"Hm? Ah, yes. Follow me." He made to step away from the console before adopting a contemplative look on his face. "Actually, one moment." Without another word he whipped himself around and pulled on the same lever as before. Once the console was restored to its taller height he reached over and expertly removed a panel from the front of the console's base and promptly reached both hands inside. Moments later and with quite a grunt of exertion he began to rip out wire after wire, tube after tube and cog and cog with a wild abandon. When he was done he stepped back, his expression remorseful for but a brief moment before replacing it with an air of semi-professional neutrality. "Right. Let's go. I'd rather not find out how many of the prisoners can discriminate us from those two or just don't care."

Without further ado he dashed back into the stair case just as the first of the cheers and the roars began to emanate from the floor below. I spared but a glance below to see some apparently relishing their newfound freedom whilst others were possibly sizing each other up like animals in the wild. Actually some of them _did_ look like animals, but that was a separate issue. I followed both him and Nami soon enough after the latter gently prodded my shoulder to ensure I was paying attention enough to follow. The three of us quickly bounded up the remaining section of the staircase and came to a second landing which lead to a door in the wall to our right. The inventive gnome however didn't approach the door. Instead her went to the wall in front of us and began to carefully scrutinize it.

"Here!" he declared as he pointed to a seemingly random spot. "Right there should be a hidden switch for an equally hidden door here! It will straight to their trophy room! It may not be money but with luck you'll either find something you can sell for quite the fortune or find useful for yourself. Regardless though, beyond their trophy room is an emergency escape route."

"Close enough," Nami loudly mumbled as she marched to the wall and felt around the spot that the engineer pointed to. "At this rate I'll just be glad to get anything out from of this place. Ah-ha!"

 _"_ _Click! Thmp!"_

Aside from the depression of the button and the wooden thunk a section of the wooden wall silently slipped away to reveal a small hallway closed off by a brass hatch. Nami didn't waste any time in opening it as soon as she saw it. Subsequently she practically threw herself inside and had to clamp her hands around her mouth to muffle the delighted squeal of joy that came from her circling in place the moment she entered the supposed trophy room. Naturally I followed...

... my own screaming was vastly more fanboyish in comparison to hers at what I saw.

Money and jewels were ignored along with items I was nowhere remotely familiar with as I eyed the collection around me: case and point being a PREDATOR MASK! AND THE ICONIC WRIST BLADE-THING TO GO WITH IT! AND THERE WAS THE SHOULDER CANNON NEXT TO IT!

And like that what aches and fears I had were lost whilst Nami was looting everything that was either shiny or valuable looking if not both. As for the gnome, he seemed to be collecting some items over by—WAS THAT GURTHALAK FROM WOW?! I NEVER GOT MY HANDS ON THAT THING IN THE RAIDS!

And there! I may not remember the names of each individual piece but I KNOW THE ARMORY OF NINJA GAIDEN TWO WHEN I SEE IT! THE SCYTHE AND DRAGON SWORD ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT RECOGNIZE! EEEE!

I couldn't nor wouldn't stop myself from roaming about the room like it was one of those interactive museum exhibits where you were allowed to touch the items or animals in question. In a matter of moments my hands were groping and feeling a Palantir to no effect! Lightsabers! LIGHTSABERS! OH! MANDALARIAN ARMOR! A WATCH! Wait, a watch? A vaguely familiar watch... Hold on, that's the watch Roger Smith wear's to summon Big O! He wouldn't knowingly... part with... it... Oh God.

"Trophy Room," I numbly reminded myself as I let the watch go and stagger back into a table and eye the room in a new damning light.

"Huh? Hey! Are you alright? It's not your neck again is it?"

I _almost_ turned my neck again before being reminded of what that would bring me. Instead I had to bodily turn to Nami to address her. As I did so I lamely gestured to the room around us. "Trophies... from the prisoners." I turned to the gnome whose back was to me. Even so he solemnly looked over his shoulder at me. "Am I right?"

He didn't answer me at first. Instead he sighed as he turned his head back to whatever seemed to be in his hand at the time. I barely heard the soft click of a casing being shut before he stowed whatever it was away in a pocket of his pants. He then bought himself some extra time pulling up a newly equipped workman's belt obviously made for someone his size before turning around. "Specifically trophies that catch their respective interests," he finally replied at long last. "Needless to say its rather easy to do so when someone is lying unconscious in a cell."

I turned to Nami and it was obvious that nothing more needed to be said. With a grimace and great reluctance Nami eyed a handful of jewels in her grasp before slowly tilting said hand to let them slip back onto the counter where they came from. She then knelt down with a scowl and closed up a rucksack she procured from... somewhere, I must have been lost in my admiration during that moment, hefted said sack onto her shoulder. "Let's just go," she muttered as her hand around the tied off mouth of the sack grew white.

"Right. If one of you would help me then. Most of the systems I installed were made with humans in mind after all..."

Like before the inventor shuffled off to a seemingly blank wall and eyed it for but a moment until he pointed to a seemingly random spot. I, being the nearest, moved over to it and felt around till my hand accidently depressed a false section of the wall. Rather than act as a switch for a door however it simply slipped out of view to reveal fire alarm style switch.

"Pull on it and twist it one-hundred and eighty degrees," the gnome ordered. I promptly followed suit. Once that was done a series clicks, whirs and some mechanical groaning hummed through the wall even as another section opened up to reveal both an armored wall and door underneath. "It's going to take a couple of minutes: this was, unfortunately, designed with the worst case scenario in mind barring the ship sinking in the event that Lawrence had been incapacitated; it's also deliberately slow in the event that someone somehow learned how to access this door."

I sighed and backed away from the switch and leaned against the nearest table my ass could find. As we waited I listlessly looked the room over once more whilst trying not to relish the fact that each and everything that would be found on a devoted fan's walls was in fact real ( _I especially tried not to leap at the chance to claim a real LIGHTSABER (SQUEE!) for myself... damn it, what color was it?_ _Mace Windu's was awesome!_ ). That didn't mean I didn't once more gawk however when I saw it, an item that was truly not like the others despite sharing the same name.

A Devil Fruit.

It was strange to look at. It came in the shape of a series of grapes, blue ones at that with little red zigzag stripes encircling each grape. It was on its own little pedestal on a table littered with valuables like rings, crowns and smaller but ornate weaponry. I may not know what type of wood it was but it as rich as its lacquer and polished to shine. It even had a protective glass case surrounding it. I only learned that when I unconsciously moved over it and reached out to it... Never have I ever been so tempted to knowingly steal anything in my life before.

If it was indeed what I thought it was, and unused at that, then who knows what sort of power I could get my hands on. Paramecia? Zoan? Logia ( _I so hope it is! That's practically invincibility and immortality in one package!_ )? Not counting the innate abilities of something like the Whisper-Whisper Fruit from the Warship Island arc, even if it was a Paramecia I would automatically more powerful than most I would meet. Or at least have an advantage of some kind. Zoan, while not my favorite ( _though cool nevertheless_ ), was a bit more straight forward with its abilities. A worse case scenario is that I either endure or overpower whatever brawl I would end up in. A Logia though ( _PLEASE BE ONE IF I EAT THE FRUIT!_ ), other than developing a situational awareness to avoid having my head taken off ( _AND AWESOMELY REGENERATING IT!_ ) that sort of power required more academic knowledge if I wanted to make the most of it. Case and point being Enel vs Luffy where the moron didn't know anything about an insulator-slash-poor conductor like rubber. Or Crocodile's weakness toward water being another example. Regardless, other than glass and quiet qualms towards theft ( _despite the circumstances; pay unto evil if I do, be morally righteous and up in the air if I don't_ ), the only thing stopping me was whether or not the _potential_ benefits outweighed the cost both known and to be discovered...

... Wait a minute.

Now that I was thinking about it, Nami was one thing, but a Devil Fruit ( _unless it was something else_ ), here?

... could either of those two guys from before be Devil Fruit users as well?

... am I in the world of One Piece?

 _"_ _Krrrr!"_

Immediately my eyes darted to the door we originally came through only to find it had been closed some time ago. When the groaning continued from a source other than the door that was still unlocking I fearfully turned to it as my hand blindly palmed the glass to find whatever latch there was to the glass case... It palmed it more desperately and more frantically when it quickly became apparent that there were in fact _two_ doors leading into the trophy room sans the emergency exit. And there, standing at the opened doorway was the taller guy. The REALLY taller guy. As in a full head and shoulders taller than my six-two self...

He stared at me in utter bewilderment at first before he growled like a beast with a glare to match. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OUT OF YOUR CELL!" he bellowed as he stomped his way toward me. In doing so he completely missed Nami who was hugging herself against the wall, in a newfound corner between the wall and the opened hatch door. He was especially not aware when she stepped out from the shadow of which with her bulging bag raised and twirling till it was too late to dodge its swing.

It wasn't enough however. It staggered him yes but it didn't knock him out. In fact it only made him _pissed_.

With a snarl he whipped around, grabbed Nami by the neck and slammed her against the wall. For better or worse however it didn't knock her out. In a way though I wish it did. As she was being held there her face was immediately turning blue. As such it was no surprise that she happily dropped her bag in order to madly claw at the offending appendage with all her strength. Alas even as she was digging bloody furrows into her skin he didn't budge in the slightest as he was choking the life out of her.

"Don't just stand there! Do something!" the gnome cried out.

Thankfully that snapped me out of my stupor just enough to act out a frenzied plan of getting that semi-cursed fruit. While barely thinking it I grabbed the first thing that looked like a hammer ( _it was really an axe_ ) and bashed it against the case, easily destroying it in one go. From there my hands flung at that fruit, tore off handfuls of the berry shaped balls and stuffed them into—

 ** _HOLY SHIT THIS THING TASTES FUCKING NASTY!_**

It was out of _sheer_ _ **fucking will**_ borne out of an emergency that I managed to swallow that **_HORRENDOUS CRAP_** before turning around and wildly throwing the hammer ( _axe. Stress induced misidentification, sue me!_ ) at the guy only to miss and hit the wall instead. Between that and the fact that Nami was _still choking_ I barely cobbled enough of a coherent thought to even grope for another weapon before charging the fat bastard. Unfortunately I failed to grab anything. As such I resorted to the only option I had left and _HOPING TO GOD_ that I somehow ate a strength enhancing Devil Fruit to knock off the _FUCKER_ before her _ASPHYXIATES NAMI!_

With nothing more than a hope and a prayer I leapt up in the final stretch with my fist cocked back and a war cry borne from stress and fear roaring from my throat. He didn't even bother glancing at me the whole time. Not even when my fist let loose to smash into his cheek.

 ** _BAM!_**

HIS MISTAKE! **_THE GAMBLE PAID OFF!_** ** _VINDICATION!_**

 _"_ _ROOOOOOOOAAAARR!"_

... and like that my confusion decimated both my elation, desperate rage and excitement in one fell swoop as a new question struck me: did I just give out a bestial roar?

On both a hunch and out of curiosity I looked down at myself and was... both elated and disappointed at the same time? Huh. Never thought I'd say or think that about anything. Ever. Not even with Devil Fruits... give or take an exception ( _who wouldn't want to shoot laser beams out of their eyes over bird mind reading if given half a choice?! (No offense Apis!... you can't read people's minds yet, can you?_ _..._ _I'd rather not find out the hard way!_ ).

I definitely ate a Zoan fruit. I'm apparently some kind of cat type of Zoan? I had claws for sure in my apparent hybrid form. A tan coat peeking out from the ruins of my shirt...

Aw shit. I liked that shirt!

In a related off topic moment I reached down to see if my sweat pants survived. They did. Or at least I think they did. They were made tight thanks to my unwitting transformation... my socks didn't make it though. And in other meandering news I evidently have a mane which I only found out when I was trying to scratch my head. Evidently I am a lion.

... well it was no Logia but it was still sweet.

 _ZZTT!_ _"GAAAAAH!"_

I was snapped out of my scrutinizing to look over at Fat Bastard ( _whom I DECKED TO THE FLOOR! YES!_ ) and found him now at the mercy of the gnome who was now armed with what looked to be a freshly cobbled taser. Was that why he didn't join in the attack? so he could make that thing?

Regardless, once Nami began to cough a hacking cough my attention was drawn to her. I pursed my lips as I briefly pondered how to return to normal and conjured an image of my old self as a result. Thankfully that was what did it. The ceiling, which had became so close to my head thanks to my transformed state, flew away as I quickly shrank with an alarming speed that caused me to stumble a step out of surprise... that and subsequently hunch over with a yelp when apparently said state broke the elastic banding of both my pants and underwear in one shot.

 _Ugh._

Thankfully it seemed that no one noticed my predicament thus enabling me to snap up my pants with nothing more than a blush on my cheeks before leaning over to help Nami back onto her feet.

"T-thanks," she gasped as I hauled her to her feet, one hand rubbing her reddening neck. She cast a quick glance at the still screaming man being electrocuted by a surprisingly dispassionate gnome ( _not sure if I want to know how personal it was for him given being a captive aboard this vessel... In fact it may be best for me to ignore that for the time being lest he adds me to the list..._ ) before flashing a cold smirk in his direction. When her eyes snapped up to me her smirk was lost, her brow furrowing as she gave me a once over. "What happened to you?"

At this I gave a cheesy smirk in reply. "Apparently my clothes didn't survive my new Devil Fruit."

Her unamused frown soon wiped the smirk off my. "A Devil Fruit? Really?"

"Huh?"

"Look, if he somehow kicked your ass or you tripped and ruined your clothes I can understand. But really? A Devil Fruit? Those things are myths!"

My jaw snapped in the name of restrained fury. It took me a moment of outright glaring at her unimpressed, skeptical and cross armed form before gathering the wherewithal to calm down and form up my counter argument consisting of pointing a a finger at myself, taking a deep breath and... boom.

"What the hell?!"

I couldn't help but grin at her expense as Nami practically pancaked herself against the wall in fright as I towered over her. And since I was already doing this, I may as well try out my third default form. As such I held up my finger for such a moment... Imagine the regular form of a lion...

You know one would think I would at least feel something extraordinary when transforming. I certainly would think so. Evidently not since my only clue thus far regarding my transformation is the my eye level. In this case as opposed to towering above her I was now about eye level with her shoulders.

"Holy crap," Nami murmured. "Devil Fruits are real?"

I tried to say yes but all that came out of my throat was a non-threatening groan. Huh. I guess that sort of thing is learned then ( _Chopper made it look so easy too! Then again he did have_ _years_ _worth of practice beforehand_ ). At any rate I quickly nodded in the affirmative before thinking back to my human form... That didn't turn out like I had hoped. Thankfully my pants didn't fall down but it was nevertheless embarrassing to find that apparently turning back into my human form didn't necessarily mean I would be automatically standing back up. Another thing to work on I guess.

"Right then," Nami murmured before coughing into her hand and looking to the side. The now thankfully quiet side. "Hey, is the door open yet?"

By the time I managed to stand up with my pants held up as high as possible and looked over to the bald brute ( _whom was drooling on the floor, unresponsive to the world... and now smelling like burnt popcorn as he lay there twitching_ ), I found the gnome solemnly pulling back the strings of his taser gun as he looking back at Nami. He then glanced over to the door we were awaiting for, bringing the both of us to look in the same direction and finding it open.

"Alright! Let's go before anything else happens!" Nami breathed before she retrieved her rucksack and scrambled for the door. I soon followed while closely tailed by the inventor.

"Before we leave, would you mind pressing the big red button to the right?"

"Uh, sure."

It took me a moment to find the switch he was talking about. It was on the other side of the door. during my hesitance I was bypassed by the gnome whom quickly slipped through the threshold and promptly disappeared down a descending staircase beyond. I myself soon crossed it as well and stopped just long enough to humor the gnome's request.

 _SLAM!_

And because of which I soon found out why much to my startled—apparently it basically slammed the door shut behind us. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised in the slightest because of that...

I didn't want to test my luck however.

With a renewed grip on my pants I quickly descended the stairs after my comrades and was soon met with a small dock with an opening bay door. Resting at said dock was, rather surprising for me, a simple motorboat of all things given the level of security displayed thus far. Sadly however it wasn't much use however as we soon found out. As the door opened it quickly became apparent that the door was blocked off by another boat of all things. A small sail boat. One that elicited a surprisingly innocent, relieved yet loud guffaw from Nami the moment she laid eyes on it.

"I sure know how to pick them, don't I?" she sighed as she got up with her bag on her shoulder and sauntered to the ship. After a few paces she turned around and smiled at the both of us. "You guys coming or what? There's plenty of room on my boat."

 **(A/N: Not counting the earlier section, this will be the only author's note for the entire story if I can help it.** **I will be using my own personal page in regards to author's notes from here on regarding this story.** **At any rate I hope you enjoyed this chapter.**

 **Monkeybandit2, making off with your attention! No refunds.)**


	2. Natural

For the following night and even the morning after since the escape from the ship of the damned we were all left to our own private little thoughts... and barely suppressed panicking in my particular case if I were to be honest as I tried to fight off the suspicions of being brought into the world of One Piece. Ludicrous, isn't it? Just... hours ago I was about to write my first SI fic and when... _that_ happened. And now? Now I'm sailing along a gnome from World of Warcraft and Nami from One Piece... who, other than the initial episode during the wood tanker of a ship we abandoned, seemed rather calm about the situation at hand. Mildly uncomfortable by our presence but calm for the given value of which. Then again it wasn't like we were being assaulted by pirates and bandits or the like. We were simply sailing along the closest thing that was her domain outside of the Straw Hat Pirates, sailing the sea with nothing more than the weather as both her only friend and enemy. Ironically this was also feeding right into my fear that we were in One Piece.

I mean, if she was captured like us, and subsequently stranded here like us, wouldn't she at least the stressed enough to show it despite her best poker face? I'd like to think so. But if that was the case then how would that explain the boat? _Her_ boat no less ( _at least I think it is..._ _it's been awhile since I watched the anime now that I think about it._ _And to think I finally bought the manga too_ ). Devil Fruits, weapons and people seemed more like their speed rather than entire... well, boats. Unless of course they had an entire storage area for that kind of thing.

... now that I think about it, that ship looked like a lot like cargo ship. Or at least had the length of which ( _not to mention being made of wood of course. A wooden cargo ship sized ship, was there ever such a thing?_ ). That room I woke up couldn't have possibly been the entire hold now, could it?

Never mind! Focus! Got to focus... now where was I?

Oh right.

If she was captured along with her boat, how'd she get it out in the first place?

... you know what, fuck it. I'm too tired for this. I slept like crap, I'm hungry, I'm in a strange place ( _AT BEST!_ ), and worse yet the adrenaline had long since worn off thus making it damn near impossible to fall back asleep without moving my neck in a cramped boat! Nami, sympathetic as she was to our situation, could only accommodate us with so much with a boat meant for two ( _four in a pinch... much like us at the moment_ ) people at best. Rations included! Not only that but she was already running low on them to begin with! It was the perfect quartet of problems!

"Hey guys?"

"Hm?"

"Yeah?"

Pain in an ass as it was I fully turned to Nami lest I faced the wrath of my neck. Almost ironically she was idly and gingerly caressing her own neck related injury borne from yesterday in thought, her neck was almost completely colored purple thanks to that one handed stranglehold that nearly killed her, as she stared out into the distance off to the side. Out of curiosity I turned to the direction she was looking in and immediately saw a black sail bearing a mark so familiar that I failed to withhold my shocked gasp borne from both amazement and... _dread_ ( _but it was awesome nevertheless... kind of. Sort of._ _Barring a light heart attack of course._ ) as what semi-bizarre hope I had toward not being in the world of One Piece died. For there, on the horizon and undoubtedly heading toward us was none other than Buggy's mark upon the dingy manned by, well, his henchmen. Three in all if I remember correctly...

... this far back, eh? Damn. Kind of a slog to the good—wait wait wait! I just got devil fruit powers! I may know the basics right off the bat but I could use the practice! Need it! It's not like I'm an immediate badass! Hell! Even Nami can kick my ass at this point!

... holy crap Nami, arguably the least offensive member of the Straw Hats, can beat the crap out of me with her **_normal_** staff right from the get go if this plays out like This Bites! I KNEW I SHOULD'VE BEGGED MY PARENTS FOR KARATE LESSONS AS A KID ( _OR BOUGHT A GUN_ )!

... or bought a SHOTGUN INSTEAD ( _THE BEST KIND OF GUN EVER MADE!_ )! That or get lucky and dig up a tommy gun! I always wanted one—

"How good are you guys at acting?"

"Hm?"

"Huh?" What? What was she—oh right. Pirates. Buggy Pirates ( _the stupid ones at that!_ )... please tell me they were below Nami's strength level by a fuckton and a half. Either way it was all the more reason to get a shotgun later...

"Why do you ask?" the gnome asked ( _note to self: LEARN HIS NAME DAMMIT!_ ) as he got up and presumably looked in the direction we were looking in. "Oh bother..."

"I was in a couple of elementary school plays," I grumbled as I screwed my eyes shut.

"Well, at least we got a theme to work with," Nami replied. When I opened my eyes and angled my head to look at her through my cracked glasses ( _the_ _now_ _prominent annoyance!_ ) I managed to see the edge of a wistful if halt hearted smile on her lips as she fingered her bruise. In the meantime she began to sink onto her knees—oh! This scene ( _yay_ )! "Just follow my lead and try not to draw their attention to yourselves, okay?" She then slumped over the edge as if she was barely alive.

"Right. Can't promise I won't grunt though," I huffed as I laid back down on the boat and tried to look as defeated as I practically felt thanks to my damn neck.

"So long as we don't end up in another cage," the gnome sighed. As curious as I was as to what he chose to do... yeah. Neck.

Thankfully the wait wasn't long. If everything plays out just like it did in the anime then they were utterly clueless to this mess.

"Oh! It's a girl!"

So far so good.

"Hey! What's wrong with you?"

"Geez. Looks like you guys went through some shit."

No shit Sherlock.

"Oh? Am I hallucinating? Running into someone in this wide open sea... I don't know who you are, but... water, medicine... do you have any to spare? I can give you all of our money if you'd like! Please, help us!"

"No Problem! We'll help you! But not until we see what treasure you got!"

Nami, veteran thief and actress! Hand her her Emmy people! She's going to steal it anyway if they're made of real gold! ... Were they made of real gold once upon a time? Eh, fuck it. They were coming aboard at any rate, the greedy bastards.

Interestingly enough the boat we were on didn't tip as much as I would've thought when the pirates came aboard. Even so it didn't take long for them to reach that treasure chest Nami kept around. The trapped one. Not that it needed explaining considering I'm just narrating to myse—...

Wait, this isn't... could it? Am I—

No! Fuck it! Existential crises **NEVER**! FUCK THE PAIN AND GET UP!

Thankfully it was barely a twinge in my neck that I felt when I pushed myself up by the waist. I grunted however... Still, luck was smiling on me when out of the corner of my poor vision it looked like they hadn't noticed in the least. This was further cemented by the fact that out of out of the corner of my other eye, within range of my glasses Nami was gesticulating for me to hurry up and hop over to the boat both she and the gnome successfully snuck aboard. Needless to say I obliged as promptly and as quietly as I could once I got onto my feet and held onto my abused pants for dear decency's sake. Just in time too given the screams of surprise when that jack in the box went off. By then of course Nami had already cast us off from her old boat and was drinking in their situation when I finally noticed that cold front that was silently creeping up on us.

"You can keep my entire boat, if you'd like!" Nami cattishly called out.

"YOU BITCH!"

"COME BACK WITH OUR BOAT DAMN IT!"

Coyly Nami made a show of looking over to the horizen to observe that approaching change of weather. In the meantime I was simply waving goodbye whilst an un-pitiable smile played across my lips. "A cold front accompanied by low clouds spotted in the southern sky! Intense winds and squalls are to be expected very soon! All small boats take caution not to capsize!" Nami called out as formerly as possible as if she was a news weather reporter. In the meantime out of the corner of my eye I was fairly sure the gnome caught onto what was happening and was joining me in both drinking in their misfortune while being kind of a dick as well.

Granted they hadn't wronged me per se to warrant me in savoring them being forced to not only contend with mother nature's fury and lose within minutes, but one: they were the marauder brand of pirates. Fuck them! And two: ... what was that word... shoatofrued? Shakkenfrau? Fuck it! Between yesterday, last night and now, I'm not in the mood to pity Buggy Pirates in the least!

"See ya!" Nami called out all too eagerly. "I'll just take all your treasure now!"

Schadenfreude! That was it!

... you know what? I'm going back to sleep.

 _Grumble._

After checking the little cabin for food at least.

XVX

"Hey, time to wake up!"

 _Groan._

"Look, we made it to a town but there are pirates here!"

Five more minutes... I just got the sun right where I like it—somewhere not in my face! It's quite pleasant really.

 _"_ _Ugh!"_

And then the hands come in for the rock-a-bye kill— _NECK! (FUCK!)_ _"_ _GAH!"_

"Kyah! Sorry! I forgot about your neck!" Nami apologize the moment I shot up and began clutching at the current bane of my existence, massaging for what good it would do ( _which was none... FUCKING NONE!_ ). It was many a moment before I was in good enough spirits to settle for glaring at Nami with my teeth grinding in irritation. At this she nervously giggled and put on her best apologetic/embarrassed smile as she anxiously raised her hand to point at something to her right. "Heh-heh... We finally made it to a _town_ ~!" she chimed.

Far be it from me to glare at Nami, never mind her springing me from a life of slavery, but pain did tend to make people... irritable at best ( _unless pissed off and utterly foul is their default setting..._ ). Still to her relief I eventually look away to glower at the town she had mentioned...

Wasn't that the same town where Nami met Luffy? Oh hey, a.. weirdly themed shi—oh wait. Forgot about Buggy.

 ** _BOOM!_**

Pain both new and old aside Nami, the gnome and I all jumped and gawked at the colossal plume of smoke that rose up from the township whose beach we apparently landed ourselves on...

Yep. If that was someone other than Buggy then I'll eat the remains of my dead shirt.

"I'm gonna stay on the boat if it's all right with you," I lowly murmured.

Nami's response was only a groan. As for the gnome... to be frank I was too busy eying the otherwise ominous cloud of smoke and ash that billowed up from the town to notice what he was doing.

"I'm going to check what that was about," Nami suddenly said, if a bit solemnly. "If I'm lucky then it was the entire crew smoking near a powder room, or something like that at least. I'll bring back a doctor for you if I get the chance!"

She easily vaulted over the edge of the boat and was already halfway past a nearby pier when a thought occurred to me... and acted on before really thinking about it as often the case. One way or another it always come back to haunt me later. "Hey Nami!"

Immediately the teen came to an abrupt stop and gave me a befuddled stare as I stripped myself of my shirt and, with sweatpants in hand lest I be naked, hobbled over to Nami who looked a tad discomforted by this... not that I can blame her. Still, regardless, she had the good grace to humor me enough to wait for me to waddle to her with my shirt in hand as it belatedly dawned on me just how awkward this whole thing was. In fact I was having trouble forming the words to match my intent by the time I reached her. After a moment's worth of awkward silence I utilized the old standby for such a situation: blunt force verboligy ( _screw you real words!_ ) 101! SAY IT ALREADY!

"It's not much but maybe you could use this as a scarf for your neck, or something?"

She blinked at me in confusion before her hand went up to her discolored neck. She winced the second her fingers scantily grazed her neck before she grimaced, nodded and took what remained of my shirt. She gave it a once more, folded it and soon wrapped it around her neck. While the resulting neck band of a wrap wasn't exactly... stylish for the lack of a better word, with its rips and less noticeable holes, it certainly concealed all but a thin line edge of her bruised neck... That guy really hand freakishly large hands, didn't he?

"How does it look?" she asked with half a smile as she posed herself for the fun of it. As for me, I relied on a tried and true method of answering when I'm sure that one way or another my words would either fail or, more often the case, was horribly mutilated by some jackass who didn't want to listen anyway... I gave her a thumbs up.

She gave me a dramatic sigh though her smile was a little broader, more casual. "Well I guess it'll have to do. Thank you anyway though!"

I simply nodded in return. "I'm just—" I stopped as I remembered something and corrected myself as I flopped my arm about in the direction of both I and the boat, "— _we're_ gonna stay with the boat then, just in case." Just in case Buggy shoots another Buggy Ball just for laughs ( _screw you Buggy!_ ).

"Right. I'll be back as soon as I can then!" she said before she tore off in the direction of the town proper. As for me I simply wandered back to the boat while making sure I didn't cut my foot on a rock or something ( _once was bad enough!_ ).

... and then it came to haunt me.

"You know, I don't recall any of us giving our names to each other."

I barely had a thought in before I turned to the gnome, jaw open to contest that, when I realized that to my horror I could not recall that any of us actually having such a conversation between getting as much distance from the cargo ship, falling asleep and... I guess just licking our wounds in silence I suppose if nothing else. Huh.

... still though, I panicked... the greater of my personal nemeses.

"Yes we did," I immediately lied... hoping against hope that somehow, _someway_ , it would work despite having no shot in hell.

"What's my name then?"

DAMN IT!

"... Merlin..." It was a fucking battle to not make it sound like a question. Still at his surprised look I was _SPOT ON! HELL YES!_

"And my last name?" he quickly rallied with a flat expression.

... Fuuuuuuuuuck.

Alrighty. Keep cool damn it! Most gnomes in Warcraft have a tendency to have engineering related surnames like Springshoe or Metricspan just to name some off the top of my head... meaning that like his first name I was not only taking a shot in the dark but I was blindfolded, inebriated with a pistol which shot bullets that pulled to the right for good measure... _GUT INSTINCT THEN! FIRE AT WILL!_

"Springwhistle."

His jaw dropped. HIS JAW DROPPED! **_I WIN_** ( _must... resist..._ _fist pump/throwing..._ _arms... up into..._ _air!_ ) ** _!_**

"My apologies then. It appears I was mistaken," Merlin relented. "Perhaps High Tinker William was correct after all that we need to pay more attention to those around us than our inventions."

William? Who's William? "Wait, isn't Geblin the High Tinker?"

... to my shame and embarrassment ( _mostly embarrassment_ ) it took me a few minutes after being confused by his sudden devious smile to understand that I had been had.

"Fuck."

"Indeed," Merlin ( _if __that was his real name!_ ) readily agreed with a smarmy grin. Thankfully it lessened into a neutral frown soon enough. "Relaxed," he half muttered. "As much as it pains me, I been with _those two_ for _years_... I've been the unfortunate witness to things and moments that the conventionally minded would declare myth or delusional if not insane." Despite his short stature it was... disturbing to see him seemingly shrink with the weight of his experiences worn upon his sleeve. "You can only witness so much before you start to consider... reevaluating... everything you know to be true when evidence, both objective and abstract, welcomed and dearly unwelcomed alike is forcibly foisted upon you every few weeks at best."

He paused as he stared off into the void, I not having the heart to interrupt him. He then slowly snapped his attention back to me with a forlorn scowl. "Answer me this though, as much as I dread it, is my world, is Azeroth, a work of fiction that is used as this... artificial playground... for your people? Was home, was Gnomeregan destroyed?"

... one would think the realization at the Trophy Room that everything was fair game would act as something of a safeguard for this for lack of a better guard. That it would dull the shock at least. It didn't. It wasn't for the fact that some part of me, if nothing else, wasn't considering that it wasn't just the... fictional worlds, for the given value of the word fictional at least, that got robbed and kidnapped. That I was a fluke of sorts. That this brand of shit... didn't happen in my world... or maybe it didn't quite hit me as I originally thought in the first place.

"Are you alright?"

"Huh—what? Uh.. yeah." I blinked rather groggishly as I shook my head— _NECK!_

... hissing in pain aside and waiting for it to abate, I was running my hand through my hair as I tried in vain to collect my thoughts. "Uh-yeah. Video game. Yeah. Uh... the troggs managed to dig their way into Gnomeregan and invaded with countless numbers. Thanks to Slappy ( _wrong_ )—wait... Sicky ( _try again_ )—no wait... SICCO ( _correct! Now where's me cookie?!_ )! Sicco Therma... something—"

"Sicco Thermaplugg?"

"Yeah, him!" I nod— _NECK!_ WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF?!

... breath damn it. Just breath!

"Anyway... he convinced Gelbin to flood the city with radiation. It had... mixed results. A lot of troggs did die but they were still too many breaking apart the city. The gnomes suffered more though..." I grimaced in the face of his stoic countenance. "Those that didn't die were forced into exile with Mekkatorque. Those that didn't get out were either turned into murderous and insane greenskinned lepers or were trapped between the lepers and the troggs."

"I see," Merlin acknowledged.

I crack a smile for his benefit. With any luck none of my insecurity shown through it ( _doubt it_ ). "If it's any consolation though Mekkatorque did return with an army at his back. They managed to take back both the front door of the city and its top layer back. They even built a town in front of the city to act kind of like a base of operations to get the rest of Gnomeregan back."

He stared at me for a few minutes before cracking a one sided smile. "That's... good to hear at least."

"Yeah," I offer with something resembling a half hearted smile since I couldn't think of a better response.

... and from there an awkward silence ensued between us, broken only by the gently lapping waves that softly rocked the boat and splashed against the shore. For better or worse I actually welcomed the clearing of his throat, the precursor of a conversation to come to break the silence.

"So... does this world we stand in also apply then? A," he paused just long enough to grimace as if he tasted something foul, not that I can blame him... "work of fiction as well?"

Likewise I stalled from answering as I mulled over what to say, how to say it...

"We're in the world of One Piece," I answered him. A smirk tugged at my lips. "A world where common sense and insanity are dancing to an ever changing tune."

"Ah" was his flat response... I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

"At any rate," I practically mumbled before turning around to point at the town Nami disappeared in. "That was Nami, the soon-to-be navigator of the Straw Hat Pirates! She's practically my favorite character to be honest. Most consistent at least," I said as I turned back to Merlin ( _if that was his name..._ ). I was stopped short by the stoic scowl on his face which baffled me for a moment. I was quick to narrow my eyes in annoyance when I came to the only possible issue I could think of that he would take issue with on such short notice. "There _are_ other kinds of pirates you know."

"I utterly fail to believe such a notion."

It was my turn to properly scowl. "Like a portal hopping slaver and his fat goon are more believable to anyone other than us?" I countered as I repeatedly waved my finger about to point at the both of us.

With a self satisfied smile I watched him immediately jerk his jaw for what I assumed to be an immediate "yes" only to snap back shut with an audible click. "You have something of a point," he begrudgingly admitted.

"Two considering I already knew Nami by name. Three if we count I know Luffy will be here... soonish," I added without really pausing to think about it.

Never had I ever delighted in a deadpan expression whenever I ran my mouth despite knowing better before. I might just get drunk off it. "Would you just tell me what it is we're dealing with already?"

"Su—"

"Hey!"

We both snappe— _FUCKING NECK! WHY DO I NOT LEARN?!_

"Have either of you seen this idiot in a straw hat?"

With watery eyes I beheld a blurry image of someone who had green hair, a white, black pants and having three things sticking out of his side. There was also this large brown thing next to him that my tears were fucking up as well... but the voice was familiar enough. Still, I felt compelled to ask though.

"Was he being carried by a giant bird?"

"Yeah. Do you know where he went?"

In lieu of answering I choose to blink away my tears as my hand shot off to the town at my side.

"Thanks!"

By the time I was able to see straight I saw the backside of none other than Zoro rushing into the depths of the town and promptly disappearing like Nami had minutes beforehand.

"Well lookie who we have here boys..."

... _shit_. I forgot about these guys.

I spun around and found the three pirates we robbed early stalking towards us. Each one either holding a makeshift weapon of an oar, an anchor and was cracking his knuckles.

"If it ain't the jackasses who ran off with our boat and loot."

Nope. No proper weapons on them. Must've lost them at sea when Nami's boat tipped over. Or they were in _our_ boat to begin with... a mild plus I guess against three pissed pirates salivating at the chance of revenge. Then again it's three guys against a gnome tinkerer and a guy who not only has a banged up neck but has to hold his pants up lest he starts streaking in public—

"Now how about we have a _nice_ chat about stealing someone's stuff and leaving them for dead!"

... Devil Fruit ( _doh!_ ). Need to start remembering I have a devil fruit: the immediate leg up against the average mook!

Form of a hybrid ( _... yep, I am such a dork_ )!

Unlike before when I was trying to save Nami I instantly noticed the height difference. Where the tallest of the three was maybe half a head shorter than me if my guesstimate was accurate, I'm fairly sure he's now eye level with the underside of the waistline of my hulk pants now. Regardless however all three, maybe four but Merlin was out of range of my already screwed up glasses ( _don't fall off! Don't fall off!_ _Don't fall off!_ ), were craning up to look up at me as the color of their skin vanished at an admittedly disturbing pace. Hell they looked... Never mind. One of them actually did piss himself. I did not need to actually know that. It did grant me a delicious idea though that I always wanted to do.

I tried to fight it but I couldn't help but grin at their terror as I leaned down to about eye level with them without agitating my neck too much, thankfully. In fact it may have—augh... yep. I apparently went from barely able to smell anything to enhanced smell! I'm definitely _not_ going to love the smell of terror ( _and piss—AH SHIT! ONE OF THEM SHAT THEMSELVES!_ ) in the morning! Anyway, after taking a moment to collect himself and power through the gagging I wanted to do... twitching definitely aside, I grinned as evilly as I could in their faces before whispering that one word every one wishes to say were they in my position. _"_ _Boo!"_

And as showcased in many a movie, a show and fantasy these thugs were reduced to blubbering messes as they hightailed it in the opposite direction with their 'weapons' long forgotten on the sandy beach.

Scratch one off my wish fulfillment list ( _boo yeah_ )!

... you know, on second thought maybe I should've said "this is the part where you run". Meh. I'm happy as it is.

"Is that by chance an ability native to your home?" Melvin asked.

I had turned back to my normal self by the time I turned to him. "Devil Fruit," I answered before following it up by jabbing my hand down toward the very ground I was standing on. "From here. The Lion-Lion... er..." I grimaced and sucked my teeth. "Correction: the _Cat-Cat_ Fruit: _Model_ Lion apparently."

Merlin stared at me, his expression flat yet inquisitive. " _Cat-Cat_ fruit?"

HA! Caught myself this time before nodding! "Yes."

"Why is pronounced twice?"

I simply shrugged. "It's a thing with all of the devil fruits," I answered. "I never bothered to investigate. Flame-Flame, Whisper-Whisper, Dog-Dog, etc, etc." I then began to shuffle toward our stolen boat while glancing at the second one that was moored beside us.

"I guess we have much to discuss then if we are to wait for her return I assume?"

"Uh-huh. I guess," I mutter just before hefting and rolling myself over the edge of the boat. "By the way," I grunted just as I plop onto the wooden decking of the boat. "Is your name really Merlin Springwhistle or were you just messing with me?"

"Actually yes it is. I'm amazed you even guessed that to be honest."

"YE- _EEAAARRGH_!" _FUCKING NECK!_

XVX

"So how long do you think we'll end up waiting for them?"

"Eh... Afternoonish?"

 _BOOM!_

And there's the more familiar explosion. Going by Zoro's unexpected arrival earlier I'm honestly a little amazed it took a quick meal of jerky and salted nuts ( _bleh..._ ), a lucky accident of finding out that one of those pirates' left over spare clothing was roughly my size ( _the blue striped shirt was a bit tight but I'll live_ ) and some jawing about the world we're stuck in as we sat on the boat's bow to reach this point... Then again I suppose were discussing things for awhile... especially how we might get to our respective homes...

"So how do we convince him to allow us to join?"

"Be honest, maybe?"

Even though he was in the periphery of my eyesight I could see him slowly twist his head toward me... kind of like a creepy doll ( _thank you so much horror shows of my youth..._ ). I would've returned the gesture but I had to make do with shuffling in my seat to even see the incredulous frown and glare. Even so with a defensive one of my own I shrugged. "Aside from outright amazing him into asking you to join him just by _existing_ alone ( _not that I blame him were I a couple of decades younger... and now I feel old._ _Again._ ), or doing some cool trick, he's the smart kind of stupid."

"You are aware that is an oxymoron in of itself, correct?" he asked with a tone to match his expression.

Aw... I wanted to use that in a sentence! Ah well, not like the opportunity rises every other day. Still though!

"He's a self admitted moron," I grouse in return. "He's also the kind of guy who sees things most people _don't_ see and think in ways most people _don't_ think. As such I'm banking on him seeing through the cheesy grins of a pair of guys who want to get home rather than," I threw up my hands to not only use air quotes but to wiggle my fingers for effect. Not in that order or any order mind you. "An 'amazing pair of badasses who want to explore the world and seek adventure!'" ... which is kind of ironic to say given I was going to write a self insert fic _into this_ _very story_ ( _irony at its finest! Or mediocre..._ _one of the two)_.

"At any rate," I grumble as my hands plop themselves back onto my lap, "other than dazzling him with something unique, if you befriend Luffy then at the very least he would likely go out of his way to punch... what's-his-name—"

"Lawrence Greer," Merlin interjected.

"Thank you," I no— _ATTEMPT_ to nod before catching myself! "Anyway. He would most likely punch Greer hard enough to break his face if the opportunity presents itself to him if we don't end up joining the Straw Hats." Provided of course _if_ Luffy remembers at that point. Then again who in their right minds would blame _anybody_ for forgetting jack shit after dealing with one week's worth of insanity that is the Grand Line, much less _months_.

As I was monologue to myself I could've sworn I heard Merlin noncommittally hum. I heard his question clear enough however. "And if we don't join?"

... proud as I was at times, I did not resist in the slightest the shudder, groan and sag at the mere implications that was our plan to either A: Find the Trappers, as they were so dubbed, and beat the ever loving shit out of them into complying with our demands. Or B: Pray to **_ANY BENEVOLENT GOD OUT THERE_** that we somehow, **_SOMEHOW_** stumble across some portal leading out of One Piece and into, in descending order, a realm interconnected with other realities, a world capable of making portals as well ( _ideally Azeroth. Him for going home and me because Warcraft baby!_ _Maybe I can get Thrall's autograph!_ _..._ _pre Cata Thrall mind you._ _Still love him though._ _That goes triple for Jaina..._ )—

"Are you alright?"

"Huh? What?"

"You're... tearing up for lack of a better word."

Instantly my hand shot up and felt something wet on my cheek...

"Yeah. I'm fine. Happens every now and then for some oddball reason." While true ( _just don't think about her rage..._ )... "What was the question again?" I wasn't looking at him but I could've sworn I saw him perk a stoic brow at me.

"Our back up plans in the event we don't become pirates," he evenly brooked.

"Right!" I clap my hands together hard enough that they stung. It was a bittersweet pain to be honest, preferable. Then again I'm just narrating to... myself...

 _Oh dear god please tell me_ —

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yep!" Right! _RELEVENT QUESTION!_ No existential ( _please tell me I'm not gonna turn into a Deadpool rip-off! PLEASE!_ ) crap here!

"We would definitely need a lot of money to make a ship worthy of a Grand Line brutality! And to hire a crew ourselves! Badasses mostly just to make sure!" I said ( _squeaked_ ) as calmly ( _*inconspicuous cough*_ ) as I could. For whatever it was worth Merlin didn't comment on it. I didn't dare look at him either lest I lose my ( _imaginary_ ) composure. Thankfully however there was something to distract the both of us bounding into my line of sight. An excitingly familiar sight no less ( _squee!_ )!

"Hey! We're back!"

The both of us waved at the approaching trio consisting of one Thief of the Pirates carrying her latest bounty that was two sacks undoubtedly filled with gold in her arms, one future King of the Pirates stupidly grinning a surprisingly infectious grin, and one Hunter of the Pirates who was being hauled over Luffy's shoulder fireman style. "Show time," I mutter under my breath as Luffy waved back at us.

"Let's hope it goes well..." Merlin muttered in response.

"Oh hey! That's a cool boat!" Luffy nonchalantly blurted the moment he was practically in our faces. "Is this yours?"

"Yeah," Nami patented as she came to a halting stop in front of the boat, looking ready to collapse at a drop of the hate. Without evening thinking about it I slipped off the boat and waddled to her. "We ended up stealing it from some idiot pirates before we arrived here. Oh! Thank you!" she thanked me as I wordlessly appropriated one of her sacks and shuffled to the boat where I deposited it over the lip of which. She likewise did the same with a relieved sigh.

"Hey! Are you guys her friends? Want to join my crew?"

 _FUCKING NECK!_ GAH! Pain aside, I was quick to swerve in Luffy's direction to gap at him whilst wondering how the absolute fuck he already—no wait, it's Luffy. Pedigree, flashiness and whatnot don't mean jack to chaotic and whimsical mind that belongs to the future Pirate King. He tried to pressgang a pair of zombies trees from Moria's crew for god's sake! _ZOMBIE TREES!_ He should've gone for the relatively regular guys! They would be much less awkward to handle than zombie trees! That or the Cerberus knock off.

... Nah. The more I think about it the less _I_ would want him if given the choice. Honestly Hogback, a fox head? _Really_?

Regardless, gobsmacked expressions from the two of us, Merlin and I, aside, Nami was the first to respond with a fiery and surprisingly protective " _HEY_!"

" _Look!_ " Nami uttered in the unholy union of a growl and a hiss as she stalked toward Luffy like a Grecian monster straight from the era of the original Clash of the Titans film. Hell, even though her ire wasn't aimed at the either of us, I paid no mind to the fact that I was squeezing Merlin to me as I cowered in place. Judging from his own tense posture and grip on me I would think it safe to say that I was not alone in battle of _not pissing myself in fear_ ( _why did I come to One Piece. WHY?!_ ). "It's _one thing_ to talk me into agreeing to _work with you_ for the time being seeing as it works in conjunction with my goals for the time being, **_but don't you_** ** _dare_** try to shanghai them into your crew! They already had it rough as it is with those... pirate... slavers..." For a brief moment her scorn thankfully melted into a confused scowl as she turned her sights on us. "Where those guys pirates or slavers?"

"Slavers," Merlin confirmed.

"Right. Thanks." Nami turned back to continue tearing a sweating Luffy a new one before she snapped her head back to us with a look of utter bafflement. "What are you guys doing?"

"... cowering?" I offered with a ( _"_ _manly!"_ ) squeak.

Her gaze turned into a half lidded stare of incredulity. "... and for what reason would you have to cower from me?"

"In all fairness you are surprisingly terrifying," Merlin interjected.

The moment Nami's annoyed/killer stare turned to him a new plan formed in my mind: Leave him to his fate to avoid being an unfortunate casualty. Now to _slowly_ lower him back onto the boat so he doesn't suspect a thing—

"Don't you dare," Merlin hoarsely growled from the corner of his lips.

... Just a few more inches...

"I will take you down with me!" Merlin snarled both as loudly and as quietly as he could.

"I can hear you ya know," Nami deadpanned.

"Shishishi! You guys are funny!"

Huh... he really laughs like that... what was I thinking about again?

At any rate however Nami heavily sighed, her shoulders sagged and she trudged her way to the boat. "Let's just get going," she groaned. "Chouchou can only hold those people back for so long anyway and I'd rather not be mauled by an irate mob," she sighed as she reached out and grunted as she began to push the confiscated boat forth. After a brief moment of watching her struggle with shunting the thing across the sand I joined her whilst doing my level best not to upset my neck. That didn't prevent me in the least however from doing my utter best to quietly and, ideally, subtly look at Luffy and mouth the words "I call quartermaster!" Judging from the shit eating grin and the fact that he was about a hair's breath away from jumping up and down like a kid stuffed with sugar he at bare minimum took that as a "I accept." As for Merlin, even though he slid into my poor peripheral vision I could at least make out the blurry figure that was his and Luffy's arms reaching out for a handshake.

"YOOHOO! WE GOT TWO MORE CREWMATES!"

I barely had a second to realize what had happened. That Luffy had not only threw me under the bus but he threw me under one that had a shocking collection of hobo corpses underneath it. Hell, _fuck_ , I didn't have to _look_ at Nami to know she was glacially glaring at me with such venom that she skipped past Grecian horror to _biblical terror_ proportions. Just don't look. Just don't look... Just. Don't. Loo—

 ** _WHY DID I LOOK_** ( _INDIANA'S ARK HAS NOTHING ON THIS! THE NAZIS GOT OFF LUCKY!_ ) ** _?!_**

Brain melted, words lost, fairly sure I pissed myself, it was all I could do to stagger to Luffy's boat, tumble into it, spasm and attempt to meld with the floorboard in an attempt to further escape Nami's unspoken wrath. And as much as my neck wished to say otherwise, it can go to hell first if I don't die soon enough.

"Uh, guys? I think the short guy's dead... Guys?"

Brain leaking out me ear, shutting down to restore some semblance of sanity, you... bus thrower... person ( _nighty-night..._ )...

"I don't think he's breathing!"

"Luffy, just let me sleep," Zoro grumbled.


	3. What a bother

Two days may have passed yet I and Merlin have found little to no reason to remotely entertain the possibility getting up from our respective self appointed spots on the bottom of the boat for anything less than the need to go to the bathroom. Even then that was a quick affair in of itself as the two of us did our damndest not to enter Nami's end of times inducing line of sight. Do to my still fucked up neck Merlin had to play lookout when such a need rose up.

... needless to say after the first day this got cruelly boring right quick when the most we could do, other than wither under Nami's fading glare, was either eat, sleep, stare up at the sky or entertain the occasional question from Bus Thrower Luffy and occasionally even Zoro. Admittedly they, the questions, got fairly agitating the moment they learned that Merlin and I were from worlds different from their own. Whereas Luffy was as easily amazed as you would expect from the anime, Zoro and and Nami, whom added her opinion now and then, were... skeptical at best. Kind of a given really. Hypocritical even if the situation was reversed and I wasn't the one hijacked from my home... jackass slavers.

"YOU FIXED IT!" I heard Luffy cry. Tempted as I was I didn't bother getting up. The reflexive jerk of my head in an attempt to spy on the cause and its swift reminder were enough to dissuade me. As such I can only guess as to what got Luffy in a good enough mood to happily jump back onto the boat ( _I had wondered why it was so quiet lately_ ) and prance about it, rocking the boat in the process.

"I just sewed up the holes," Nami practically sighed that 'job accomplished' sigh. "It's just a temporary fix. It'll be fine if you aren't too rough with it."

"Thanks! It was full of holes! Now I can't even tell—"

I'm pretty sure I heard the sound of straw being punched through but I wasn't—

"YOU IDIOT!"

"YEEOW! YOU STABBED ME WITH A NEEDLE!"

"HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSE TO HURT YOU?!"

"Huh, you're right! Shishishishi!"

Huh. He really does laugh like that.

"Cut the racket, I can't sleep! And I'm starving. Hey, share some of your rations with us!"

Yeah, bark at the angry navigator who can lead you to her doom if you piss her off at this stage Zoro. That will end well, ya idiot.

"Look! Thanks to you guys I didn't get a chance to restock at the last town we were in! And _those guys_ ," oh dear God the evil eyes are back, "already ate up a good amount of what I had left! So shut it! Besides that, what happened to your own stocks?" EVIL EYES! **EVIL**. **EYES**! HOW THE FUCK CAN THEY PENETRATE THE WOOD BLOCKING HER FROM OUR SIGHT _(SOMEBODY SAVE ME!)_?! "Or did those freeloaders get a hold of them?"

"WE'RE INNOCENT THIS TIME!" I blurted out a cry as I shot a hand into the air. It wilted under her gaze and dropped back down to the boat's floor like a rock.

"Between what we saw and the size of this boat, there wasn't much to begin with," Merlin managed to say while he gathered enough courage to actually stand to face our pissed off accuser. He didn't last that much longer either before dropping back into the boat with a thud and a shiver. Still, after a moment's worth of silence Nami snorted and wearily sighed.

"What is wrong with you guys," she practically mumbled. "Don't you know anything about seamanship? Food and water are amongst the most essential supplies for _every_ voyage after all!" She let loose a heavy, exasperated sigh as she thumped against her boat. Kicked it perhaps, maybe flopped? Either way I'm sure as hell not going to get up and confirm it till she's less murdery. "How have you dumbasses survived this long?" she groaned. My money is on flop. Still not getting up first.

"Hey!" The boat rocked under Luffy's mini-stampede to the other side. "It's an island!"

With another sigh Nami grumbled to herself for a moment before turning silent for a short while. "Forget it," she dully intoned. "It looks uninhabited. Hold your course."

And then the predictable, for One Piece fans anyway, had happened. With a quick thudding of feet Luffy took a hold of our rigging and steered us straight to that island; no need to get up to confirm this one _(score one for the lazy guy)_.

"Maybe there's someone there who will join our crew!"

" _GET BACK HERE DAMMIT!_ "

"Maybe you guys can find us some food. But Nami's right. We're not prepared," Zoro hummed, unfazed in the slightest by Nami's verbal wrath as she doubtlessly hauled ass to compete with Luffy who taken to manning the oars with vigor.

Yep... Wait, "you guys"? Hell no. I may have my moments but even I lend a helping hand damn it _(I earn my laziness unlike you!)_!

"Mm? Are you planning on staying behind on the boat then?" Merlin spoke up _(sic 'em! Sic him I say!)_.

"Hey! I'm tired and need my nap!"

"I'm fairly sure you slept almost the entirety of our current journey. Even then when you were awake all you have done was drink."

"And what's you guys' excuse then?"

"A really pissed off navigator who might make some time out of her day to flay us alive if she looks at us longer than a minute!" I barked.

"Psh. As if she's that scary, you cowards."

... oh fuck no. Not wanting to jump off a cliff into what I think is a bottomless abyss? Sure. I'll be sure to hold onto whatever is convenient for dear life. Something I know I can prove and have reason to be terrified of? _My admitted pettiness demands retribution (PREPARE TO BURN MOTHER FUCKER!)._

"Hey Merlin, is there a white cloth and a stick?"

"None that I can see. Why do you ask?"

"Fuck it. I'm going in anyway..."

"... what are you planning exactly?"

With a mildly pained grunt I rolled over so I could push myself up with my arms so as to not aggravate my neck... as much. In a few short seconds I was carefully peeking out from the safety of the boat and was relieved to find Nami had her back to us whilst trying to desperately catch up. "Hey Nami?"

She didn't stop but she did whip her head around as best she could. While she couldn't get a direct bead on me her glare and scowl was very much in place _(abort man, abort while you still live!)_. "What do _**you**_ want?" she hissed over the paddling.

"I just thought to let you know that since you're considered part of the crew—"

"I AM NOT!" she bellowed. Thankfully it was enough of a distraction to keep my skin from still crawling from the anticipation of complete and utter doom...

"—Zoro was thinking that, by right of assimilation or something, your stuff is now our stuff. As such he's got it in his head that if there was a town on the island we get to use all your money to buy every ounce of booze we can get out hands on."

"Hey, that's not a bad idea," Zoro muttered behind me. The poor doomed bastard. It was nice knowing you _(meh heh heh...)_.

Like a charm Nami's glare in regards to me dropped. Hell, she stopped dead in the water for a good solid second. More than enough time for me to dip back down and hunker down in relative safety. Sure enough, despite me not being able to see it, I easily heard Nami absolutely burning water after us now...

"GET YOUR OWN MONEY TO BUY SHIT!"

 _ **THWACK! THWACK! THWACK**_ —

"You sir are an evil man," Merlin murmured as Luffy was laughing at Zoro's expense.

"GAH! WHAT THE HELL?! KNOCK IT OFF! ( _ **THWACK-THWACK**_ —) GET HER OFF ME!"

"Then again I can't say I'm in the mood to pity him." I only grinned in response, visual recognition be damned.

"LUFFY, ( _ **THUNK-THWAP-**_ **)** PADDLE FASTER DAMN IT!"

"QUIT BLOCKING SO I CAN HIT YOU!"

"LIKE HELL I WILL YOU DEMENTED BITCH!"

XVX

Well Zoro got his nap in the end. 'Shame' he can't enjoy it... Jesus Christ, reading _This Bites!_ you'd think seeing it firsthand the whole 'made of iron _(Tv tropes_ _tm_ _!)_ ' thing plus the anime you'd... _I_ would be a little less surprised by the lumpy and bleeding form that is Roranoa Zoro. I mean how the hell did he survive this shit on a semi-regular basis? And he got fucked up by Mihawk only for Zoro to get back up a few hours later to kick the collective asses of an entire base full of fishmen? I think I'm starting to get how fucking scared _ARLONG_ was when he found out about that wound! _**CHRIST**_ _(ON A PIKESTAFF NO LESS)_ _ **!**_

Note to self. Do not piss Zoro off. And rethink any attempts to get him a mask and a rapier to fight corrupt federales for shits and giggles.

... actually he might go for that out of boredom one day. Backburner plan then _(out of the night when the full moon is bright comes a horseman known as Zorro...)_.

Where was I then... Right. Starring in abject horror that is a bloodied and lumpy Zoro. Plus enjoying being on my feet again after who knows how long of hiding _(twas but two days and many a moon for all I care)_ from a pissed off Nami after she chased him into the jungle.

"I don't suppose you hunt, do you?"

"Hm? What?" I snapp— _NECK! WHY DO I KEEP FORGETTING THIS?!_

"To bolster our supplies..." Merlin slowly iterated as he stared up at me.

"Right, right!" I reply as I sucked my teeth as rubbed my neck. "No. I don't hunt. I fished before though." Caught only one in my life so far _(that I remember at least)_. Nine pound catfish. Last one I ever caught too after my dad and uncle forced me to watch them fillet it— _and now I realize I may be eating seafood from here on out?!_ Gah! Good thing I'm not allergic but damn it all the same! Bleh! Man, if this was a more willing transition then I seriously did not think this through!

 _Bleh_ I say!

"I don't believe we have any fishing equipment on our boat," Merlin mused as he faced the better half of our boat. With a contemplative hum her wandered over to it, climbed back aboard and began to rummage through our supplies. "There isn't any," he finally said after a few minutes.

"Damn," I say _(half heartedly)._

"Do you suppose..." he proceeded to say before trailing off as he glanced over to Nami's boat...

"... I don't want to risk it."

"Agreed." With a grunt he hefted himself over the edge and made his way back in my direction. "Then I suppose all that is left for us to do is forage for food then."

"Yep..."

And I never once foraged for my life... I inferred a little bit between movies and games but let's face it, only an absolute idiot think that stacks up to real life situations. There are such things as poisonous berries people. Poisonous berries...!

... please tell me I'm not in a fanfic. Granted I intended it but there's just a difference... Like do I even use my real name?

Now that I think about it did I even exchange names with everyone? Huh. No I didn't. I wonder how long that'll keep up.

"Are you coming?"

"Huh? Right! Coming!"

XVX

For better or worse I already declined the notion of even amateur hunting like making pitfall traps and the like. I wasn't going to do jack like that with this jinked up neck of mine, adrenaline or no. Neither were either of us that inclined to go that deep into the jungle without at least a more experienced fighter to accompany us. Sure I been in three fights but they were all ambushes on me! As such we settled for the first thing we set our sights on despite my dislike for it: coconuts.

Getting to them was another story.

Any coconuts that had long since fallen had shortly been collected but they were few and far in between. To top things off there were practically only three coconut trees we spotted so far in an otherwise temperate zone... Not sure how that works really, tropical trees near temperate ones. Was that even possible in real life in such a short distance? Maybe. Then again I'm in _One Piece_ , a place where islands are stuck with one season year round in one section, can _rain lightning_ in another, has floating islands and underwater ones too so I _DARE YA_ TO CORRECT ME ON THIS YOU POTENTIAL READING BASTARDS!

... I'm having mild regrets taking that philosophy class back in college. Then again given the current circumstances of me potentially being in a fanfic _(dear God I hope not)_ I suppose it actually helps me mildly identify this existential dread brought upon me by potential voyeurs... in a platonic sense. Oh dear God... does that mean that in the event I ever get lucky I would have to deal with actual voyeurs?! What about when I shower? Or go to the bathroom?! GAH!

"Are you alright?"

"Huh? What?"

"You seem distracted," Merlin pointed out as he stared up at me with an inscrutable expression.

"... just thinking," I reply. Sadly though even I knew it was no smoother than how I felt between being riled up by certain thoughts and being torn from them... thankfully it seemed like he was content with leaving it be in favor of those coconuts that lay just out of reach overhead. Sadly we were both piss poor shots with what rocks we scrounged up, and my new height advantage was wanting to this tree, leaving me with a rather unsavory choice...

"I don't suppose you're good at climbing trees, are you?"

"No. Are you?"

"Nope." I sure as hell am not climbing this tree or any other if I can help it...

 _Oh dear God how did I forget the Knock Up Stream? AND THE TOWER OF LAW WITH ITS BOTTOMLESS PIT! I DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH! I_ —wait, I been dragged into this world. I don't have the luxury of aborting an SI fic... _STILL FUCKING SUCKS THOUGH (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH)!_

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Ye-nooooo..." I half sob as I clenched my eyes shut. Why oh why did it have to be heights— _Reverse Mountain. I hate Roller coasters enough as it is already because of crap like that..._

 _Ugh..._ fuck it. I'm in the shit now at any rate. I may as well try not to let this particular brand of crap own my ass. Especially given the crew I joined where heights may as well be the footnote of nearly every adventure period. I still don't like it though.

" _Uuugh..._ " Right. Now how to I climb a tropical tree?

Despite my reservations over what I'm about to do I walk up to the tree, wrap my arms around it, place a foot along the edge— _nope!_ Sharp and pointy. Not keen on slicing my bare foot up again.

... say, would a lion's paw be tougher than a human foot? Hm...

 _Form of: hybrid!_ Hehhehheh!

Alright now—wait, quick check... Yep. Upon looking down I find my clothes intact and proportionally fitting as they should. I was afraid it wouldn't be the case, where reality sets in and all like it had with my old clothes. Must be a Medium Transfer Principle thing... I miss my sweatpants though. Hell, Oda would be right if that was the case—be annoying as fuck having to replace clothes left and right if they got shredded by transformations/turning into your element _(I still wish it was a logia...)_.

Anyway! Testing... well it's not as sharp as it was on my foot but it's noticeable all the same...

... at least I have claws to help me climb.

... nothing to it then.

" _Hmph!_ "

And a one...

" _Ghmph!_ "

Huh. I guess I shouldn't be surprised I got distance this quickly. Or that I'm able to lift myself solely by my arms without difficulty. Still though... _Guh (someone save me before I fall, please!)!_

At any rate, a little _(read "a lot")_ to go...

" _Hummf!_ " Little more...

" _Gmf!_ " Right, how far am I—

 _Krkrinch!_

... well, my claws sure are good for latching onto things.

Oh fuck it, they're in swatting range and I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS HIGH UP! SWAT, SWAT, SWAT! SWAT IT LIKE A DAMN MOSQUITO!

 _Thwack!_

Wild though it was, my swing connected to a coconut and knocked it off from its perch. While I didn't see where it landed, it was motivation enough to get the rest! And so with a battle cry I began to knock more and more of those hard shells off the top of the tree.

 _Thwack-thwack-thwack—_ "Oh cool! A lion! Let's get it to join our crew!"

"Huh?"

I swiveled my head in the direction of Luffy's voice just in time to see his hands lunging straight at me. It wasn't even a second later his hands were violating my personal space as they wrapped around my chest like coils...

It was barely a second afterwards that I witnessed Bus Thrower Luffy rocketing straight toward me.

 _SMACK—_ " _AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!_ "— _CRASH!_

Fffuuucckk youuuuu Luffy. Fuuuuck you— _(nighty night...)_

XVX

 _Splash!_

" _Gack! Pheetiue! Bleck!_ I'm up! I'm up for the love of— _(FUCKING NECK!) GAAAH!_ "

"Hmf. About time you woke up."

Nami... you're killing me. Cut me a damn break already! Wait, how did I end up on the ground? Did I fall out of the tree?

No wait, Luffy. It was fucking Bus Thrower Luffy.

"Hey! How did you do that? Did you eat a devil fruit? Huh? Did ya?"

Speak of the devil who is haunting my very vision. Sadly my glare did absolutely jack toward getting him to leave me be, much less wipe the stupid grin from his face. Dick.

"Yes I did," I growl as I ground my teeth. "Did I," I enunciate, "not tell you that?"

"Nope! Shishishishishi!"

... I'm getting up now. I'm going to get the coconuts now. I'm going to go back to 'bed' now. I'm also going to hope Luffy chokes on those coconuts now, fat chance of that happening however.

With a grunt I painfully heft myself up into a sitting position and get up from there. From there I apparently join Merlin in collecting the horde of coconuts I knocked down earlier. Thankfully there were not that many left. Namely it seemed like Merlin had been busying himself with this to begin with... Did he try to wake me up? Let's check a bit. Following what I assume to be his footprints... there's my 'landing' spot. I guess he tried to at least make sure I was or wasn't dead first before shuffling off... not sure how I feel about that. Still, I'm not dead, an overriding plus for all situations... minus the ones where you want to die of course.

... yeeeeaaaaah and I just made that awkward for myself. I'm going to walk away with my fucking coconuts now.

"Hmph," Nami scoffed again as she hefted up a bucket before disappearing from my view by virtue of me passing her. "At least _some of us_ bothered to do something productive today!"

"OH LAY OFF, WITCH!" Zoro roared from the boat as he kept—is that an ice pack? Is it filled with ice? When did we have ice? Oh wait, never mind. With a slip of the hand some water gushed out of the top before he corrected himself. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KNOCKED ME OUT TO BEGIN WITH, REMEMBER!?"

"Whatever," Nami huffed as what I can only guess to be coconuts were plopped into her bucket with a loud 'clunk'. "Let's get going Luffy."

"Right! See ya later Gaimon! I hope we meet again some day!"

"As do I Luffy! Even if you don't find the One Piece, make the world your oyster!"

"Hm?" What? Someone else was here? Out of this newfound curiosity I twist myself to take a look while keeping my damn neck in mind. So far I just see a bush—wait, what? After taking a quarter turn to get said bush in the range of my cracked glasses _(damn you slavers...)_ as something seemingly stuck out of a box...?

Huh?

At this point I'm squinting at it. Yep. There's a box with a surprisingly fuzzy bush sticking out of it. That and there's apparently a arm sticking — _holycrapthat'saperson._ No wait! It's Bush-Box-Guy! What's-his-name! Guy-something! Damn it I suck with names! Still, if here's here then are we at that island with the hybrid animals? With practically a swerve on my foot I stare at the jungle beyond, more of a temperate forest really but I think the word applies, and try to see if there were any in plain sight.

They are...

"Yeah, weird looking things, aren't they?" Nami nonchalantly and noncommittally drawled as she lazily passed me, raised her bucket and plopped it inside her boat. "Don't get too comfortable though. We're about to leave."

"Right..." I mumble as I stare. Wasn't this island after Usopp joined up? After the Going Merry was given to the Straw Hats?

With any luck it's my memory being too faded to properly remember the order of events without that brush up I was planning on doing with my SI fic...

 _... Heh..._ Did I just really think that? Yes. Yes I did. _With. Any. Luck._ As if I want nothing to change from the adventure I know...

That's the paradox, isn't it? Kidnapping aside, I wanted to come here, even by proxy, a world of excitement and adventure where one had to adapt to an ever changing world that throws you curve balls left, right and straight from the ground by everyone and everything that may or may not want to kill, rob you, want to greet you simply because they were in the mood to and I don't want the adventure to change in the slightest... Arrogant though it may be, taking it at face value however if _Sleeping with the Girls_ and _This Bites!_ is to be believed my presence alone is enough of a game changer to at least deviate from the beaten path to something new and exciting and yet _I want to stay on the path I know because I don't want to be kicked in the balls at minimum_... not a very interesting story for a half-decent writer to write, ain't it?

 _Snerk. "Pfff!"_

"Hm?" Out of the corner of my eye where my vision was poorest I see Nami turn to me with what I think is a raised brow. "Is something funny?" she... didn't quite growl but she was most definitely not in the mood for any antics.

"Sort of," I admit. I could feel the corner of my lips tugging outward for a grim smirk. "I just... need to do some thinking about something." I didn't offer more and I didn't turn to Nami lest I wilt under pressure from what I can only imagine to be a smoldering inquisitive gaze. Thankfully she just hummed before turning away.

"Help me push this out, will you?" she asked without asking. I wasn't going to challenge it. As such the both of us soon pushed her boat back to the ocean to where the surf finally caught and held the boat aloft. Once she hopped on I sauntered off to the other boat which Luffy was pushing and joined him just to speed things up. Once we hit that particular sweet spot Luffy easily hopped on. Me? I tried. I didn't make it and only rocked the boat for my trouble. I tried again to no avail. Third time I went "fuck it" and hauled myself aboard by climbing onto it only to flop onto the boat like a caught fish. Couldn't bring myself to feel embarrassed by either Luffy's laughter or Zoro's own snort of amusement though. Instead I simply dragged myself back up and went toward the back of the boat where it was as close to peace, quiet and private I could get.

As tempting as it was to join Merlin on the deck again... I just couldn't bring myself to care. Instead I sat down against the edge and let my mind drift off to contemplate not only what it meant to be in the world of One Piece but just what it was I actually wanted to do here...


End file.
